So I almost never do this but, a couple of days ago I bought the blue ray to Bocchi the Rock and rewatched it in a single sitting. I rarely ever rewatch or replay anything but I was compelled to reexperience the show for one simple purpose. I just wanted something comforting with minimal brain usage. When I say minimal brain usage I don't mean because the show is dumb I mean because I'm dumb but I already know the episodes so I don't need to pay too much attention to the plot. I meant for it to mostly be a background thing but that didn't happen though because I just locked the fuck in for 5 hours. You best believe my himedanshi soul leaned forward anytime Hitori and Kita were interacting together. I love those two.

Damn I love this show. Obviously it checks out because I'm a socially anxious dweeb but the thing I was not expecting was that in comparison to when first watched the show... It was even more relatable! Fuck! Is my life really this bad!? I always thought these things get better with time not worse. Ah well I think it will get better this time. The most memorable scene in all of Bocchi the Rock is when Hitori has her first day of class and brings her guitar and all her band merch and waits for someone to talk to her, of course no one does. What I didn't remember was the flashback to when she did this same thing in middle school, and back in the present she gives a resigned line "I put the onus onto others to talk to me again didn't I?" (something like that) And fuck that scene was already a trauma scene with how it reawakens past memories of me doing the exact same thing, but now it's cutting deeper into my skin as an adult this time around. I'm doing the same mistake again. If you read the past blogs I mention in nearly all of them that I'm trying to be social and make online friends but all the methods I used were really passive and expecting others to come to me. It worked in my past but I can't have this ego of mine that it will happen again. And this scene woke me up to that fact.

On that note, I'm picking up the pen again! Picking up the pen how? Well writing of course... but also drawing! Yeah I felt an urge to draw Nagisa Furukawa the other day and so I got a sketch book I bought in January that I haven't used since and just drew. It didn't turn out good and I accidentally gave her Jeff the killer eyes, but you know what? It made me smile and that itself is worthwhile, I think she still looks cute even when lobsided. So the next day I went to draw Mihari Oyama and... I hate that drawing, it sucks. And that can only mean one thing... I'm back baby. This is how drawing has always felt to me, sometimes BOOM, I make a banger and then I follow up with the most hollow and souless depiction of anime girl I could come up with. Despair and elation, the two primary emotions of drawing. I wanna keep it up though since, even though it's been well over two years since I've consistantly drawn, some of my general knowledge and very few skills still remain and I thought that was pretty cool. I don't know though, I haven't drawn traditionally in over 6 years at this point so I have to get used to that. I'm still smudging my drawings and god, even when I try my best I still apply way too much pressure on my pencil. I'd like to draw when I'm taking a break or just relaxing, like do that Steve Jobs techinique of taking a 15 minute break or so.

As for the other pen lifting I'm doing. I'm doing it right now aren't I? I'm currently writing the script for the Color of Kanon video and I'm both terrified at the notion of turning my facts into a story, but am also super excited of the exact same thing. With all my videos I truly believe that the stuff I look up is the most interesting stuff ever, but when turning that into a video script I'm pretty scared of making all those interesting things seem boring because of my lame ass. So I want to get better at writing, or atleast for now, more entertaining at writing. It's really the same process as when I was learning how to draw, look up some general tips and pick one and practice it. The writing tip I... been p-practicing... so I haven't been thinking about it while writing this whole time actually... But! It is a tip to make variable sentences. For example having a shorter sentence within a paragraph, like the previous sentence, and having a medium length and longer length sentence too, and mixing them up. I don't exactly know if I'm doing it correctly but it's so fucking much better than my previous scripts. My god! It was like constant 8 word sentences, I'm so glad I turned those into videos so I could clearly see how bad they are.

And that's actually the same plan I have right now, making shorter videos and seeing if it sticks. The Color of Kanon was idea I had while playing through Kanon a couple of months ago, and it's not going to be a topic long enough or honestly interesting enough to make a full video out of unless I scope-creep the fuck out of it. But it makes for a perfect practice video while still being something I want to talk about with others. So I'm making a few shorter, and genuinely random video ideas I have and uploading them on my 2nd channel as a form of practice. A lot of these shorter video ideas I have were old ideas I had but scrapped them because, like am I really going to make a video on how there's a blonde character in every Persona game? Well if I feel strongly enough then yeah! But even with these shorter videos, I still am working towards primarily the Kannazuki no Miko video, I'm almost on the script phase with that one.

I know I'm doing the thing again but, I really do plan and believe that I should have both the Kannazuki no Miko video and Gynoid video out by June. I know, I know. Even a part of me still thinks I'm going to miss this deadline as usual but really, I think if I put in enough time I could do it. You know, the reason why I brought up the Boochi the Rock was two fold. First reason was to ease myself into writing by just gushing about anime, that's pretty easy for me to do. But the second was because something, I don't know exactly what it was but while watching the show I realized that what I was doing was making the same mistake over again. I'm thinking way too far in the future. I wrote about this too in an earlier blog but it's a thought I remember having about how a lot of beginner Youtubers plan way too far ahead when starting up their channel. It's something you have definately seen, and I think it's more visible on Twitch and how you see people with 0 viewers having 0/50 sub goals in the corner somewhere. I don't mean to come off as throwing shade or anything, and I only really have an issue with this because this was how I opperated for so many years of my life on my channel.

It's fun to think about stuff like that though, in fact it's some of my fondest memories on Youtube. I remember me and my friend getting some shitty gamer glasses affiliate code and putting it in our descriptions of our videos, like man we really felt so cool having a "sponsor". But I know from the many years of fantasizing about that kind of thing, that you really lose sight of what you really want to do. It's why when my house burned down I had this plan to make all these videos and upload them exactly a year from then, and holy shit that would've been so bad. I know what past me was planning, having a backlog of videos is super important, so having like 10 videos uploaded within days of each other would not only get you brownie points from Youtube, but would just give people a ton of stuff to watch and learn from. But even in my gynoid video, the stuff I wrote about got outdated. The android yuri anime came out between that script and when I would've had that video uploaded. So although planning isn't bad, planning too far ahead is bad. So I met myself in the middle, I want both the Kannazuki no Miko video and Gynoid video within a week of each other, and that's why I picked June.

Anyways, I've been typing for a while now, you wouldn't believe how long it takes to write something even as lame as this blog post. It's been an hour since I started this. But I hope it's a much easier read then my last posts because I can tell you one thing, I am having a lot of fun writing lately, especially these little blogs posts I throw into the void. So I just wanna write. I even thought about writing fanfiction again, I used to make my own personal Lucina x Severa fan fics in notepad, I never uploaded them and that's probably for the best but man I loved AO3 back in 2018. That was how I got into yuri, I loved Lucina and Severa from Fire Emblem, Uzuki x Rin, Konata x Kagami, ah! Man I miss those times. Man, 2018 was really a year for me... another time. But not only fanfics but I used to make backlogged reviews and stuff but I kinda fell off it because I felt my writing skills to be lackluster, but who knows, I might pick it up again. Steam reviews are something I'm thinking of making too since, I don't know why I felt pressure when writing them before because Steam reviews are the lowest common denomitator of reviews out there but, I just want to write my thoughts on stuff. Just doing something more and getting better at it, that's my short term, and long term plan.

Here's a banger playlist I listened to recently, It genuinely made me feel really happy and carefree for an hour, actually it's why I drew Nagisa. 2000s Otaku/net/anisong ~ Mixtape

Mou Ikkai is one of those all timers you know? Always happy when that song's on.